The King of Crack Pairings
by The Great Imaginer Zuzume
Summary: Hong Kong must be stopped!  And Sealand has chosen to be the one to do so.  How will this wind up?  *doesn't sound as cool as the summary*  First Hetalia sex scene I have.  Also, RussChu is mentioned.  Only a tad bit of suspense.  And cookies. ONESHOT


**A/N: Okay, so I did an official count and there were only **_**9**_** different pairings that have an M rating + romance genre on ff. net of Hong Kong, but I don't care. I seen a **_**TON**_** of different crack pairings for him [Hong Kong] and FrancexSealand is already pretty damn obvious (And France is probably the **_**TRUE **_**King of Crack Pairings anyway. Sealand probably just got mixed up and didn't realize that he's only the prince!) And without further ado:**

The King of Crack Pairings

_Sealand's Room_

"Hong Kong must be stopped!" Sealand shouted, stamping his foot as he talked to his best friend, Latvia, who was sitting on the micro-nation's bed while Peter stomped around the room.

"Wh-why? H-he hasn't done anything, h-has he?" Latvia asked, not sure if the Asian nation had or not; he hadn't been watching the news lately, what with Sealand dragging him around all week.

"He's in more, and has more, crack fanfics than me! Or you for that matter, but no one cares about you," Sealand waved at Latvia, making the Baltic nation become a bit sadder, "He's, like, the King of Crack Pairings or something!" Sealand shouted at Latvia.

Raivis shivered even more as the wannabe micro-nation yelled at him, not mentioning that Peter sounded a bit like Poland for a moment. "Wh-what do you plan to do, Peter?" he asked Sealand.

"I'm going to go give that jerk a visit and demand he stop being in crack pairing fics!" Sealand shouted.

"Sealand dear? Your snacks are ready," Finland said, opening the door to put his head in.

"Thanks Mom!' Peter smiled, rushing to the kitchen to eat the Oreos set up there for him and Raivis.

Latvia followed slowly after his happy friend. 'When will Peter stop being so bipolar?' he thought to himself as he entered the kitchen.

_Hong Kong's House_

Hong Kong sneaked. He was currently watching a Jackie Chan marathon on TV and he groaned, pausing the television to go get a tissue from the tissue box that he had unfortunately forgotten in the kitchen. He had caught a cold that morning and he made sure that a blanket was wrapped around his body as he stumbled to the kitchen, almost tripping on the blanket at one time. He grabbed the tissue box, pausing to sneeze into one first before going back to the television. China had said he would look after him, but he had left hours ago with a better offer from Russia. "Gosh, those two'll never stop fucking, even if the house catches fire," he mumbled under his breath as he plopped onto the couch again, putting the tissue box on the floor next to the couch as he laid down and turned on the TV again.

Suddenly there was a harsh knocking on the door and before the Asian could even slowly get to his feet the door burst open. "That's it Hong Kong! I'm going to kill you for not answering the door!" Sealand shouted out, stomping into the house angrily, soon catching sight of Hong Kong, who had partially stood up by then, possibly intending to hide from the angry European before he knew who it was.

"Oh. It's just you. Sealand, right?" Hong Kong asked, plopping back onto the couch in a sitting position.

Unfortunately his head swam from doing that and he quickly laid down with a groan. "I'm sorry, but I have a cold today," he said apologetically as Sealand stomped over to where Hong Kong laid on the couch, accidentally stomping on the tissue box.

He shook the box off his foot, making it land on the coffee table skillfully, although also on accident, as he turned to Hong Kong. "Listen. I don't care if you have a cold or not. I just want you to stop appearing in tons of crack pairing fics, G'Damnit!" the micro-nation shouted at Li.

"Why?" Hong Kong asked, raising one of his furry eyebrows that had been cursed by the micro-nation's 'brother'.

"B-Because-!" Sealand cut off as his cheeks became slightly pink and he let out a sob, immediately covering his face with his sailor suit's sleeve and running upstairs.

Hong Kong groaned as Sealand ran off, slowly getting up again. Luckily his head didn't hurt as much this time and he slowly walked up the stairs, glad that the micro-nation hadn't left so he could still question him, but still very bothered that he had to walk up the stairs. 'Why had Sealand run away?' he thought to himself, thinking up possible reasons before his mind lingered on one, "He couldn't. Could he?" he asked himself aloud as he got to the top step.

He saw Peter peek out from one of the door, before quickly closing it as he espied Li. Honk Kong looked on the floor, noticing the fallen sailor hat. 'That must've been what Sealand was looking at…' he thought, thinking up an idea to make Sealand tell him why he hated him [Hong Kong] being in crack pairing fics.

He carefully bent over and picked up the hat and stood up again. "Come out Sealand~. If you don't explain yourself I'll rip your hat in half~," he threatened sweetly towards the door that he had seen Sealand peeking out of earlier.

"You wouldn't!" Peter said, throwing open the door angrily, glaring at the Asian nation.

"Oh wouldn't I?" Li asked, placing his hands on either side of the hat and gripping it as he slowly pulled it apart.

"Okay, okay! I'll tell! Just… stop tearing it, okay?" Sealand said, reaching out for the hat and moving forward slowly, not knowing if the Asian would comply.

Li smirked slightly, nodding and handed the former British fort his hat. Sealand grabbed the hat quickly, inching backwards into the room once more. But Li was quicker and grabbed Peter's forearm. "We had a deal, remember?" he said, looking harshly at Peter in a scolding way.

Sealand gulped, nodding slowly. "R-right. Ummm… I don't like you being in crack fanfics because…" Sealand trailed off, mumbling the rest into his beloved hat.

"Do you want me to rip your hat again?" Hong Kong growled, getting annoyed with the micro-nation, not that his face showed it.

"N-No!" Sealand shouted out, clutching the hat tighter to his chest.

"Then answer me!" Li shouted at Sealand.

The Briton nodded, gulping. "R-right," he said, letting the hand holding his hat to fall to his side. He moved closer to Hong Kong and leaned up to kiss the taller nation's cheek, "I don't like you being in crack fic pairings because it makes you seem like a whore and I love you," Sealand said quickly, but slow enough for Li to hear.

Hong Kong softly blushed, unable to hold his feelings back. "Why?" he asked, not wanting to believe the feisty Britain.

"I don't know! I just know that I'm jealous about you being with Jerkland or that white-haired, idiot Iceland," he huffed, crossing his arms, "A-and I even saw a fanfic about you and Latvia! But he was pretty much raping you in that fic, so I don't think it counts…" he rambled off.

Hong Kong blinked. There's a fanfic about him and Sealand's best friend? What's the world coming to? He barely even knew the Baltic nation. "S-So you don't like me back, then?" Sealand asked dejectedly when he heard no response from Hong Kong, putting the hat back on his head and looking away.

Li shook his head. "No, that's not it. I like you just fine, it's just… I don't want to be considered a pedophile…," Hong Kong said.

"Can't we just try to keep it a secret?" he asked Li, looking cutely up at the sick Asian so that Li felt his heart skip a beat.

"S-sure," he smiled, leaning down and softly kissing Peter on the lips.

Peter blushed as he realized what Hong Kong had done and tried to pull away from the kiss, but Li quickly wrapped his arms around Peter's waist, breaking the kiss after a few moments when he needed air, panting lightly. "I thought you said you loved me?" he asked, feigning hurt.

"I-I said 'like', b-but yeah… A-and I want you, but…" Peter trailed off, looking away with his blushing face.

"But what?" Hong Kong asked, raising an eyebrow as he took Peter's chin and forced the younger boy to look at him.

"France said it hurts when… When you lose your 'ass virginity'," Sealand muttered just loud enough for to Li to hear, using France's words for it.

Li blushed and looked away as he heard those words come out of the British micro-nation's mouth. "Well, yes. But it goes away quickly as pleasure grows in its place…" Hong Kong said, remembering his first time with Korea, the annoying Asian forcibly topping. (**A/N:** **It was totally rape, zu.**)

Peter frowned. "S-so you've been topped before?" he asked, saddened a bit that the other wasn't a virgin, but he wasn't planning on topping anyway, so it wouldn't matter.

"Y-yes, but I'd rather not talk about it," Hong Kong said seriously, not wanting to give away any of his emotions.

"O-okay. Wh-what should I do first?" Peter asked, looking down at the bulge in the Asian's duangua.

Li looked down, just noticing his erection. "L-let's go into a room first," he said, not wanting to just have sex in the carpeted hallway. (**A/N: **_**Pfft!**_** Carpet burn!**)

"R-right," Sealand blushed, moving to the bedroom that he had been hiding in earlier.

"Are you sure about this?" Hong Kong asked Peter as he came in, slipping out of his duangua and his brown trousers, along with his boxers.

Peter blushed as he saw how big Li was, but nodded anyway. "Y-yes," he mumbled, taking off his beloved hat again and setting it on a shelf away from the bed so it wouldn't get ruined.

He was about to remove his shirt before Li stopped him by kissing the boy's lips, making Peter drop his arms onto the bed and he immediately kissed back passionately. He moaned into the kiss as Li pushed him fully onto the bed and rubbed his inner thighs, moving his hands up to slowly slip off the Briton's sailor shirt. One of his hands went up to rub a thumb against Peter's nipple and the younger squirmed and moaned, managing to say, "Th-those are sensitive," which only made Li smile and lower his lips to the other one, encasing it between his lips and licking and sucking on it.

That only made Peter wriggle more and moan a bit. Hong Kong stopped as he felt Peter's erection move against his arm. "You're hard just from that?" he chuckled, moving a hand under the waistband of the other's Capri pants and rubbing against Peter's semi-hard member through the underwear.

Peter let out a louder moan than before and began to pant. "T-take them off," he said softly.

Hong Kong smirked slightly, but obeyed and pulled off Peter's pants and underwear, smirking as he caught sight of the boy's smallish member. 'This'd be perfect for a new picture,' he thought, thinking he might ask Peter to model for him nude sometime in the future.

He leaned down to kiss the tip of Sealand's member and the micro-nation shivered, letting out a small moan as Li licked down to the base and up again before taking it into his mouth. Sealand let out a louder moan as he felt the heat and wetness of Li's mouth, about to cum right there because he was so unprepared for that. Li smiled as he felt Sealand's member twitch inside his mouth a little and sucked on it lightly, making Sealand shiver again, his face bright red and he pulled a blanket over the lower half of his face, embarrassed. "C'mon Peter. Show your face~," Hong Kong told Sealand, letting go of the other's member as he pulled the blankets off of Sealand's face.

Sealand looked away before moving to set his head on the pillows. "O-okay. You can continue now…" he muttered softly.

Li smiled and put a few fingers to Sealand's mouth. "Unfortunately the lube is in another room and I don't feel like going and getting it, would you suck them, please?" Hong Kong asked.

Sealand's face got even redder, if it was possible, but nodded softly and took the fingers into his mouth, licking the fingers and sucking on each individual one before he was finished and Li pulled out his fingers, nodding in approval. He lowered his head to Sealand's member again, wrapping his lips around it and licking up the bottom of it while he bobbed his head. "A-Ah-! It feels so…good~," Sealand moaned, bucking his hips slightly into Li's mouth.

Li spread Sealand's legs open and carefully inserted a finger into the younger's entrance, curling it to stretch it out as he quickened the pace of his sucking to keep Sealand's pleasure level high. Said boy writhed a bit when the finger was inserted into him, saying, "Th-that hurts, Li. T-take it out!"

Li shook his head and continued his ministrations, inserting another finger when the moaning micro-nation under him relaxed a bit. He thrusted his fingers in and out of Sealand, occasionally scissoring them as he searched for the boy's sweet spot, his prostate. Apparently he found it as Sealand cried out in pleasure, tensing up as he finally came into Hong Kong's mouth. Hong Kong stopped his finger's movements as he swallowed the boy's cum, finally letting go of the slightly flaccid member and smiling. "You taste so sweet, Peter~. You're still hard?" Hong Kong said, licking his lips of some of the stuff.

He leaned up to kiss Sealand and the micro-nation kissed back, tasting his cum in the other's mouth, but not disgusted because it was the one he loved who was kissing him finally. Li continued his fingers movements as his free hand moved to Sealand's member to stroke it to full hardness again. Sealand let out muted moans into the kiss, remembering to breathe through his nose after a moment. Li realized that and broke the kiss, quickly saying, "Sorry."

"S'okay," Sealand muttered as Li inserted a third finger, quickly finishing up the preparation.

"You ready?" Li asked, removing his fingers, much to Sealand's disappointment.

Sealand nodded, knowing that he would be filled with something much larger after that. Li smiled and leaned down to suck on Sealand's neck, leaving a bright red hickey, before he thrusted into the former Britain fort. A few blood droplets fell from Sealand's anus, but the Asian nation didn't mention it to Sealand as the younger cried out in pain again. "Tell me when I can move, okay Peter?" He said softly, kissing Peter's lips for a soft moment.

After a while Peter felt most of the pain fade and he nodded softly. "Y-you can move now," he said softly, spreading his legs open a bit farther so Hong Kong would continue.

He did so with a nod, kissing Peter again before slowly thrusting in and out of Peter. Peter's moans became muted in Li's mouth as he heatedly kissed the other back, his hands reaching around to the back of the Asian nation's head and gripping the hair there to keep him [Li] close to him [Peter]. Li quickened the pace of his thrusts after a while and Peter broke the kiss for a moment, letting Li lick and kiss and nip at his neck while he panted, still gripping the other's black hair.

Li felt him climax come closer as he quickened his thrusts into Peter even more, who was pushing back at every thrust until they were just a writhing mass of pleasure and moans and groans filled the air. Eventually Peter came with a loud moan and as he was still gripping Hong Kong's hair he pulled the other's head to his chest. Li smirked and licked and sucked at the nipple next to his lips as he thrusted a few more times inside of Sealand's anus that had tightened due to the boy's climax. Eventually had come as well though, milking out his orgasm a bit as Sealand shivered from the feeling of semen inside his anus.

"I-It feels weird," he said, looking up at Li with his flushed face, his right eye barely open because of the pleasure, the left one only half-open.

"It usually does," Hong Kong said, pulling out.

Sealand sat up and noticed that the semen was pink. "Ah. You bled a little," Li said.

Sealand nodded, having heard that that might of happened and laid back on the bed. "C-can we sleep now?" he asked.

Li nodded. "Sure," he said before laying down next to Sealand and pulling the covers over them, as he was feeling his cold coming back.

Luckily there was a tissue box on the night stand and he grabbed a few tissues, sneezing into each of them about three to five times before weakly throwing them towards the trash can. "Ah-! That's right! You had a cold, didn't you! Y-you didn't have to make love to me if you were sick!" Sealand said, wrapping his arms around Li's chest as the Asian nation laid down on his back.

Li shook his head. "No. It's okay. The heat of the moment made me forget about it myself," he explained, wrapping his arms around Sealand and kissing his forehead.

"O-okay," Peter said, falling asleep against Li's chest.

* * *

><p>Yao groaned as he walked with a heavy limp back to Hong Kong's house. "Why did Russia have to be so rough, aru~. It was just a puppy. His face is much cuter than a puppy's," Yao complained as he opened the door and stepped in.<p>

"That's weird… I thought I left him on the couch. And why is the TV still on?" Yao asked himself as he turned off the loud TV that had changed to kickboxing, apparently the marathon being over.

"Hong Kong!" Yao called out, walking around the house, eventually going up the stairs after a while.

He almost called out again before he noticed a door cracked open and looked in, gasping as he saw Sealand and Hong Kong all cuddled up, naked. "Heh. Good thing I'm not like Japan," Yao said, closing the door softly and leaving the house to go back to his own house.

It seemed Hong Kong had a new caretaker for now.

**A/N: Aww~! I did well on the ending **_**this**_** time, right? Alternate title could be 'Caretaker' I suppose.**

**Anyway, I feel somehow proud of my first Hetalia smut scene (as well as the fact that I hinted at RussChu. IDK why though.). I went over it quite a few times. Sorry if the cold doesn't seem realistic, but I have ones that come and go constantly. And sometimes my nose doesn't even drip at all, so I'm making Li's colds like mine in this.**

**I know he gets slightly OOC with the anger and the hat, but I tried to keep him emotionless. I really did! I'm just bad at that…**

**Anyway, start up those crack pairings of these two please! Maybe one that involves them secretly doing it in England's basement before they left? Kyufyufyu.**

**And the fic that Sealand was referring to was 'Medicine from an Angel's Scars' by the lovely Axuree Rheeid (Which, by the way, that's her only story in English. I can't read Spanish, so I have no idea about her other stories.). But that's not rape Sealand! This fic, 'Unexpected' by the handsome BradburyStreet, _is_. Latvia harshly rapes Australia in that one, BTW. It's totally hot. (*likes tentacles and rape and other creepy stuff in her porn*)**


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